If I can't convert you to ASMR with this, nothing's going to work

Let's get weird

Credit: Olive Ugly’s YouTube channel.

ASMR. Never before have four letters divided people into two camps so soundly: The “What’s that?” camp and the “Yes, I watch girls in Ohio pretend to give me a cranial nerve exam all the time” camp.

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response videos are commonly credited with helping people sleep and helping with anxiety. ASMR was only coined as a phrase in 2009, but those who get the ‘brain tingles’ will tell you they’ve experienced triggers their whole life – most commonly through whispering, clicking noises, hair brushing and quiet personal attention. Personally, I would go into a trance at primary school, when the girls sat in a human centipede during break time and plaited each other’s hair. I was a bit worried about that weird feeling, but now I know it’s got a name. Hooray.

Here’s one of my favourite videos, of a mean British girl doing your make-up. Why is her passive-aggressiveness so relaxing? I don’t know. Maybe it feels like home.

One thing’s for sure: Alexandra is a great actress. She plays all sorts of characters, from a New Jersey mother who’s preparing you for your first mob hit, to a Southern grandmother doing your taxes, to the cool girl who talks you down off the ledge when you’re wasted at a party:

For some people, watching a lengthy video with no entertainment or educational value makes no sense. But physiologically, watching these videos releases oxytocin – because while you’re technically alone, it feels like you’re having a bonding experience with the ASMRtist – and studies have shown that ASMR lowers the heart rate.

Although you’re not in the same room as the person, the bonding component is real. Eye contact with the person on the screen can be held to infinity. It feels very intimate, very safe.

Even when they’re this Indian call-centre scammer, selling you a gift card:

I appreciate the effort that some ASMRtists put into their characters. Like drag artist Olive Ugly, who has many personas on her YouTube channel, including Krystal the tarot reader. As Olive describes her, “Krystal Macabee has been reading tarot PROFESSIONALLY for 25 years. A child of the anything goes, rock n roll days of the 1980s, she's seen it all and has the stories to prove it. This chainsmoking, hair teasing, tarot reading bombshell has some important messages for you straight from the spirit realm. Sit back, relax, and learn about how you were put on this planet to change the course of humankind... FOREVER.”

Krystal doesn’t hesitate in lighting up a smoke during your tarot reading, and her predictions aren’t always comforting: “I do see a long life for you. To be honest, I do see a life longer than you would like to live.”

How is this relaxing? I don’t know, but it is.

Often, ASMR videos will show simple tasks done very slowly, gently and meticulously, like this period piece below, in which French ASMR whizz Diane is a servant, running you – some toff – a delightful bath.

The mirror neurons in our brains fire up when we observe actions in others. These neurons develop in a baby’s brain before it turns one year old, helping it learn how to feed itself, learn hand–eye coordination and basic motor tasks. But mirror neurons are also integral to understanding how others feel. When someone - like an ASMRtist – is very relaxed, we might similarly start to feel relaxed. They teach empathy and promote connections. I think I’m a bit low on empathy, so maybe this is like a long cool drink with a straw for me.

Then there’s unintentional ASMR. I feel very soothed reading emails that land in my spam folder. ‘My dear, I need your attention. I am Mrs Debbie Anani, from Côte d’Ivoire, and it is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture, which I intend to establish with your distinguished self. I want to confide in you for assisting us in getting our inherited fund moved to your account.’ I myself made a little video on that:

Spam messages are so ... gentle. So solicitous. I don’t need to hand over my bank details, when I’ve already had my central nervous system stroked for free by that purring verbiage. Anyway, here’s some more unintentional ASMR, which is so pure it ought to be the end to your nightly routine.

Let me know what you think…